I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
