Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
