guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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