so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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