How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
