I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
