3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
