yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
