why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
