Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
