The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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