this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
