I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
