Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
