I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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