After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
