after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
