just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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