I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just cropdusted the office
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
