I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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