i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
