I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
