he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
