Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
In America we eat man semen.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
