WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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