if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
