So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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