I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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