I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
