Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
