There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
