What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
