I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
