We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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