3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
