Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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