We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
