I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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