i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
