i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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