I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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