Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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