Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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