YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
