is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
