oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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