He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just gargled with NyQuil
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
