At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
