My sheets look like a crime scene.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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