maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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