Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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