a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
