everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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