I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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