She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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