I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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