It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
