like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
