Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize