Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
