alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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