I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
